DrB's Profile

Originally published October, 2006.

Q: Dear Dr. B, When I have met someone thru an online site, how come it is acceptable to email/IM back and forth all day long and possibly even talk on the phone for an hour every night until the date happens, then after the face-to-face date they revert to a "game" and wait a few days to email or phone you after the date? If he seemed as interested during the date as before the date, why can't he just keep things going the way they were with that regular kind of contact?

A: Meeting people online has become so common that it's gotten boring. It's rare to come across someone that hasn't tried it at least once. From total losers and nerds to the coolest guys and the hottest chicks, anyone that's dated in the past 5 years has probably used this outlet. In fact, even the doctor recently put a profile up on Myspace (not intended for dating, but I have been known to connect with the fans in the past). The culture of online dating has really evolved since the days of trolling psychos and chat rooms with a 500 to one male-female ratio. Online dating etiquette on the other hand, seems to be lagging behind.

Before I get to my answer, I've got a confession to make. For a doctor, I hardly ever read. Now don't get me wrong, I read your questions and look for the occasional bit of knowledge that I don't already have crammed into my skull. I'm talking about reading for recreation or entertainment; I just don't do it. As an educated person, I feel like I should read more, and I have a huge collection of books that I had every intention of reading, but when it gets down to it, I feel like doing other things with my spare time. The doctor likes to stay busy (cellphone Tetris anyone?).

I'm sure most of my audience is way more literate than I, but some of you may relate to this. Because I am not someone that reads, I am never disappointed when I see movies that have been adapted from popular books, or if I am disappointed it has nothing to do with my reading. I watched Lestat, Harry Potter, and Jason Bourne rock out in stadium seating without once thinking about what, if anything, the filmmaker cut from the stories, did wrong, or how much better the books were. I'm a blank slate movie-goer when it comes to these pictures.

Unlike me, my friend Karen is an avid reader. I've seen her walk out pissed off and disappointed by more movies than you can shake a stick at. Although I'm not certain exactly why anyone would want to shake a stick at a movie. Seems kind of fruitless to me. Although Hollywood does occasionally butcher fine works of art, I've noticed that some of her disappointment stems from the disparity between the way she imagined the characters and events of the story and the way the filmmakers chose to display them. For Karen, Tom Cruise as Lestat was unthinkable. For me he was Lestat and that shit rocked.

When we read, we imagine and I'm sure that no two people imagine the same thing in the exact same way. Meeting people online is a lot like that. The parties involved may be as honest as they can, but words like "voluptuous", "athletic", "single", or "research-psychologist" can be defined differently in our heads, even if we all point to the same entry in the dictionary. Exchanging pictures and talking on the phone a few times can help people get a better mental image of what you're all about but until you interact in person they're still largely working from imagination. Although I'd say that kind of communication is a necessary part of Internet dating, if you carry that on for too long before the face-to-face, you could end up spoiling the movie as the real you will be less likely to match the version in their head. Body language, facial expressions, and weird quirks are hard to convey over email or phone, yet this is all valuable information. When we use our imagination to fill in the blanks, we rarely imagine that the people we are hoping to meet face-to-face may eat like pigs, have no sense for sarcasm, or tell inappropriate jokes at our expense to total strangers as they step into a cab (thank you, J). I'm sure if you've had even a few online dating experiences you'll know what I'm talking about.

So one possible reason that these guys are reducing their communication down from daily IMs and email exchanges to, say, a Facebook comment every couple of weeks, is that they may not have imagined Cruise as Lestat (or Damon as Bourne, or Karen as sweetmilf36). I know it seems weird to go from heavy IMing to nada, but sometimes we get to the end of the book. And sometimes the movie doesn't do the book justice.

Of course, I have no way of explaining every instance of this behavior. I do think that some of what I've suggested is at play any time you meet someone online. But, like most things, it depends on the people involved and the situations. Another possibility is that daily communication may feel like too serious of a relationship to some of your online dates once the in-person barrier is removed. Talking everyday may seem safe with someone that you only know online, but most people reserve that level of frequency for very intimate relationships. Hell, most people don't even have that much to talk about anyway (especially those of us that never read). I know I haven't been up to much in the hour since I was last IMed.

Either way, to go from regular communication to nothing isn't a game, it's rude. It sucks, believe me I know, but I hope that this behavior doesn't discourage you from moving on and meeting someone else in life, online or not.

PS. Like I mentioned earlier, the doctor recently put up his own Facebook profile. Go ahead and add me, and if you're cool enough maybe I'll add you back.

Medical, Dental, and a Good 401(k)

Originally published August, 2006.

Q: Dr G, I need help with something. I have a guy friend who I really like. I got the nerve to tell him this a few months ago, and he said he wasn't interested in dating me. We've been hanging out a lot lately and we have really interesting conversations and have a good time together. We are both still single because we have high standards for the people we would date. The other day, we were having a really long conversation, and I asked him if I could just lean on his shoulder, and he said OK. It was so great, just that little contact. What can I say, I'm a little deprived, leading me to the point: I want to ask him to be "friends with benefits". He's never done that before, but I have. Is there any way to somehow "hint" or ask him about being FWB without ruining our friendship?

A: First, a little rhetorical bitching: Although I’ve used the phrase “friends with benefits” on occasion, I’ve never really liked it. Don’t all friends come with benefits? Like my friend Neal, who once helped fix my hard drive, or my buddy Jason, who is always down for grabbing a beer, or my friend Elise who gives great head. Okay, maybe I should rethink that.

Then again, I guess it’s better than “fuck buddies,” but yeah, whatever you label the relationship, the benefits you mention clearly have nothing to do with dental plans or stock options and probably go beyond the occasional shoulder leaning. Casual sex relationships get started in many different ways, depending a lot on the situations and people involved, so what I have to say may not help you to go about upgrading this particular friendship. However, even if I could offer guaranteed friend banging in 10 easy steps, I don’t think I’d want to.

After all, let’s not forget that sex without love is a sin and besides that, you should wait until you get married. Otherwise, we're talking free milk and to hell with buying the damn cow.

Wow, I couldn’t even type that with a straight face. Seriously though, I definitely recognize the joys of having FWBs and think no strings casual sex can be a healthy alternative to serious long-term relationship oriented dating, but not with this guy. Not now.

First reason: You like him, a lot, and have secretly crushed on him for a while. FWB is an arrangement that works because neither person wants anything more than a (mind-blowing, boot-knocking, world-rocking) friendship from the other. Oh, and maybe someone to hang out with once in a while that’s not likely to be shopping for cows anytime soon. Usually when things go sour, it’s because one friend gets more attached and starts wanting to talk about where the relationship is headed or what color wallpaper to buy for the nursery. If you’ve got a hidden agenda or any ulterior motives, don’t even think about stepping it up. Nice uniforms and store discounts don’t mean squat if you’re really looking for a good retirement plan. Remember, for a lot of people friends are the ones they hang out with when they’re not on a date. How comfortable will you be when your FWB starts meeting girls that do live up to his high standards?

Which brings me to reason two: Although you both have high standards for potential dates, he’s already told you that you don’t meet his. Dizamn! That had to hurt a little. Imagine how it would feel if you two started playing amateur gynecologist. Even if it’s true, I doubt you would want to think of yourself as someone that isn’t good enough to date, but good enough to fuck. Your self-esteem is going to skyrocket, or nose dive. I forget my metaphors.

Don’t think for a second that I’m telling you not to have sex. Have it, and have lots of it. Definitely start dating more, but if that’s not an option, consider offering a few benefits to another friend on your list; maybe that guy you have lousy conversations with (I know he’s out there) so there will be no chance of you wanting more later on. It may surprise you to learn that guys are ridiculously easy. Of course, you could ignore all of this and start getting your freak on with Mr. High Standards, and he might come around. Hell, maybe after a while he’ll even be down for some of that dating the kids are into these days. But more than likely, you’ll end up ruining your friendship and giving him some good stories for his other benefit-free friends.

Hypothetically speaking, suppose you decide that you are not into this guy anymore and still need some of that sweet, sweet loving. If you really want to get your hands on this guy’s benefit package (so what if it’s a pun, it’s a damn good one) you’ve got to do two things: First, convince him that you are truly no longer interested in dating him. I suspect that part of his reservations to being FWBs has to do with reason number one, and you’ve got to make sure that he knows if he samples the milk he isn’t going to be asked to buy a damn cow. Do this subtly: step back from the friendship a notch and try to create some real emotional distance. Be more like his other friends (you know, the ones that don’t want to bang him) so that he sees you as such. Also, try to avoid any mention of how you are over him so it’s okay to screw around. Second, get him to sex you up. Friends that fuck usually start doing so naturally, like after a platonic weeknight dinner or a movie; in other words, a date-like situation without any obvious romantic undertones. Invite him over afterward just to hang, watch a DVD, or any other lame non-sexual activity you can think of and let it go from there. If you do end up hitting it, remember that you don’t want him thinking he’s just made a bovine down payment, so be cool for a few days. Make sure you act as if nothing has changed in your relationship, like, you know, you’re still just friends. If this works, then awesome: good benefits are hard to come by. If it doesn’t work, well you should have stopped reading a paragraph ago.

Talk is Cheap

Originally published July, 2006.

Q: Do most men really like it when a girl talks dirty during sex? I like dirty-talk, but sometimes my (ex) boyfriend wouldn't say anything. He just kept pounding away harder and harder.

A: So it's been almost a year and a half since the doctor wrote his last column, and although I really want to get to your question, I must admit that I'm having a hard time concentrating. In fact, I've attempted to write an answer several times in the past couple of months. I pulled your question out of my backlog thinking it would be an easy one, which it definitely is. If only I could overcome this damn writer's block.

Your question is so painfully easy to answer that I can't seem to focus on it long enough to carpal-tunnel out my reply. I keep thinking that before I do, I should first write some sort of explanation as to why I haven't written in a while but I know you don't care about any of that. Hell, you probably aren't even going to read my answer so what's it to you? Nothing, that's what. That's too bad cuz it would make one fucking badass column, maybe a screenplay even. Seriously. It's your loss you don't want to read it.

Another thing that keeps interrupting my answering is the fact that this column better be damn good. When you make a comeback, you gotta return stronger than you went out. Otherwise the audience will think that you've lost it. Like when Family Guy returned to TV last year, I feel like this column needs to kick some major ass. That's a lot of pressure for a doc; at least MacFarlane has help.

And unless something changes between now and when I get this uploaded, this is the first column written for that Internet thing I keep hearing so much about. It's exclusively digital content, no paper distribution, no deadlines, and no pictures of Dr G's face on corner newsstands throughout the city. This is one hundred percent intended for pixels only and a new medium equals a new audience.

I also keep thinking about how to approach my answer. See, I try to offer good advice sprinkled with a healthy dose of smarcasm (go ahead, add that one to your vocabulary) and the painfully easy answer ain't exactly inspiring much at the moment. The obvious thing would be to give you a verbal spanking of dirty talk, cuz I know you like it like that, don't you? I could be wildly thrusting each sentence into these paragraphs like an out of control beat poet. You know you shouldn't, but you can't help but to keep reading the forbidden prose, sentence after sensual sentence. It feels so good as my words penetrate your inner voice faster and harder, some you've never heard of and some too difficult to pronounce. Nasty little reader. Too bad I try not to do the obvious thing.

Clearly I've been having a hard time concentrating on your question, but if I stopped to focus on my answer for even a sentence, this column would be over in a heartbeat and having something end too soon can be a major disappointment. I didn't want to shoot my load right away; I had a lot of white pixels to burn. Oh god, just talking about it makes it impossible to hold back much longer. Too much pressure... Ready or not, here it comes...

A lot of men try to distract themselves during sex to sustain the erection needed to keep "pounding away harder and harder." Some do this by thinking about anything but sex and that gets in the way of their ability to talk dirty to you. And a lot like this answer, the moment they start focusing on the task at hand it's all over.

But don't let that inhibit your skanky trash mouth. A lot of men, even the ones that are secretly paying more attention to the stupid 80s song stuck in their head than to how good your thighs feel, get real turned on by it. And if you find yourself with another hard-pounding mute, maybe you can convince him to be more expressive during the foreplay...

PS. Lame or not, it's good to be back. Now, let's get them questions a-coming.

Drinking Free

Originally published Feb, 2005.

Q: I've been told I don't flirt enough. I am curious to know how does a straight woman flirt with men? And I don't mean the philosophy behind flirting but I want you to notice on your morning commute, while out at night, co-worker flirtation at the copier, etc. what works to get noticed and a guy's attention...aside from her bra size and ass that is.

A: Who is telling you that you don't flirt enough? Your girl friends or the guys around you trying to get your attention.

Oh, I guess you can't really answer me. I understand… shh.

I'm going to assume it's your girl friends. Most guys don't want you flirting unless it's with them or you are supporting them with your job at Hooters. In that case, flirt all you want baby, cuz the cable bill is way overdue.

So how do you do it? Well as a guy, I've been flirted with in all kinds of ways and I guess I can give you a few pointers. First if you are braless (a good flirter is always braless) and wearing a white t-shirt, try pouring a pitcher of water across your chest. That's always a definite attention grabber. Also, if you happen to be standing next to a pole, try holding onto it with your legs and swinging from it. Trust me; it's a guaranteed crowd pleaser. For more intimate flirting, there is a technique known as the table dance.

Okay that is all horrible advice and I apologize. Actually, it's been my experience that straight women flirt with men by writing them emails seeking their advice so for the real deal this month I decided to email a few of my female friends for their expert opinions. Here's a sample of what I got:

"laughing/giggling/touching/eye contact" (I'm assuming that these are distinct. Please don't poke out a dude's eyes while laughing and think that you are being flirtatious.)

"You can flirt with your eyes, your body language - lots of touching of body parts (hand, shoulder, neck, etc.) A flip of the hair, if you can manage it is also a good thing..."

"What has worked for me is being able to make dudes laugh. You bust a few balls, make a few subtle innuendos. Timing and certain looks do well also."

"I find being funny always helps. And sarcasm seems to go pretty far these days. And being interested and aloof all at the same time. Flirting is an art form."

"The biggest key factor of flirting is eye contact, at least that's how I play it. You seem more engaged in the conversation, shows you have confidence and I like to touch a guy's elbow when I flirt, kind of catch their attention. I didn't know people were awkward about it until my friend bitched about my flirting last night and said she can't do it."

"Call him by name, compliment him. Look him in the eye when you speak. Ask him for help with something such as fixing a car or assembling furniture (makes him feel macho), and glance at his mouth when you want to be kissed."

Okay, so there you have it. To sum up the women: you should be funny, make eye contact, touch us as you are talking, and flip your hair. In short, just be more outgoing. Let me also add that laughing at our jokes, no matter how bad they are, goes a long way, as does feigning interest in whatever garbage we seem to be talking about ("ooooh, you write for an independent magazine, that is sooo interesting!"). Trust me, it'll get your bar tab paid.

Oh and one word of warning to the novice flirter: practice in safe environments with people that you are already familiar with. Don't start making jokes and touching every potential stalker you see on the bus. Ease into it, and you'll be swinging from stripper poles in no time. Which brings up another good point:

Q: What is your take on flirting? How far is too far... Is it off limits to flirt with others outside of your relationship when you are dating someone steadily or married? It's something that I love to do and don't due much to the fear of leading someone on and getting myself in a dangerous situation.

A: Well, I know I wasn't supposed to go into the "philosophy behind flirting" but here's the deal: Flirting is a nonverbal means to express interest, specifically sexual interest. So, if you find yourself at the point in your flirting where you are giving your partner a "reach-around", that may be too far. Or at least the flirting portion of the evening may be over.

Is sex with others outside of your relationship off limits? If not, then I can't see any amount being too far. But, if you just want to flirt for the sake of flirting, that's cool too. Just please bear in mind that may not be the signal you're sending the world. I'd say the limits to your flirting should be a function of your intentions and the other person's expectations. Those expectations are hard to know when you meet someone new, so if you have limitations I'd get them out in the open pretty damn early. Drop hints about the existence of your boyfriend, husband, or dominatrix between giggles and touches so that at least people know where you stand.

Even then, I'm sure you'll get your drinks for free.

Advice for Short Attention Spans

Originally published Jan, 2005.

Q: I'm gay and my parents don't know that I am...last weekend they caught me in bed with my partner. What should I do?

A: Well, to start with I think that you should consider yourself lucky that you successfully avoided an awkward "coming out" conversation; we all know how uncomfortable those can be. Plus, you can rest assured that when you do have a talk with them about your sexual orientation, they are very likely to believe you. Nothing is worse than stubborn disbelieving parents that demand proof.

Also, try buying them a kitten.

Q: Are lesbians more on the prowl than straight men?

A: You may recall that, like most straight men, the Doctor gets overcome with warm fuzzies just thinking about lesbians… Much like kittens, Tarantino movies, and freshly made mojitos, they make the world a better place. As I've previously discussed, lesbians have a firm position in the male fantasy world that isn't likely to give way anytime soon (like, what else are we going to think about?).

In those fantasies we'd love nothing more than to imagine that, not only are these ladies hot for each other, they have nearly insatiable sexual appetites and are always looking to jump in the sack with another fresh co-ed whenever the "Thong Song" comes on the radio (and it's always playing somewhere). However, even though some lesbian libidos can be damn strong, straight men really corner the market on this one. Men think about, want, and seek sex way more than women, including gay women. Hands down, we win. Now give us some sex.

Q: Dr. G, I'm involved in a long-distance relationship. My communication needs aren't being met, not to mention the absolute lack of physical intimacy. What are some ways to communicate this to my man without him feeling threatened or persecuted? Or should I just walk away from this seeming exercise in futility?

A: Like a lot of the questions I received this month, this one lends itself well to a short, but thought-provoking answer:

Rosebud.

Actually, you're really asking several questions aren't you? Long distance relationships are a bitch. To avoid falling into such situations, I've developed the habit of creating boundary rules for dating in each of the cities I've lived in. For example, in NYC, I had a "same borough" requirement; in Pittsburgh, I adhered to a very strict "no tunnels" policy; and in New Orleans the rule was "anything but Mississippi."

But maybe I'm an asshole and the girl of my dreams might live just outside my current dating borders… hmmm… anyway, back to you.

Although long distance relationships do indeed suck very hard, they don't have to. They can be fulfilling and are sometimes logistically necessary for dual-career couples or polygamists trying not to get caught. Regardless of the circumstances, the success of these arrangements depends entirely on the individuals involved. Relationships are meant to satisfy our needs. Failing to do that, any relationship despite the mileage isn't going to work out.

Your situation does sound like an "exercise in futility," especially if your needs aren't being met (there is no little blue pill for phone sex). If you haven't yet walked away, I'd recommend taking a good look at what you need and discuss this with your partner. Explore what both of your goals are and what either of you is willing to do to obtain those goals. Be straightforward though, honesty and openness hardly ever come across as threatening or persecution. That is, unless you are telling someone that they give lousy phone sex, that's a bit hard to hear.

Trust me; you don't want to end up like this:

Q: Why can't I find me a man?? I think I am pretty fuckin top of the line cool, yet I am already 24 and not married yet. The best years of my thighs are OVER. No one will love me. HELPPPPPP

A: Yeah, you're right. Honestly, sometimes the truth hurts. On a positive note though, I've heard that kittens will love you unconditionally and you should have no problem finding a few for free… Keep 'em well fed and they should provide you with company for years until the social worker arrives.

P.S. When in doubt, get a kitten.

Sweet Gig

Originally published Dec, 2004.

Q: Why is it that some people just cannot be single? They move from one girl to the next, or one guy to the next to be fair. And when they get lonely, they resort back to their ex. Is this a form of insecurity, a form of security, or just plain stupidity? I know someone who dated their partner for three years, and one day, just said hey, I was out with another girl last night, and that was it, he moved on to her. Where is the logic? Are people afraid to be alone? They hold onto people they don't even like just for the simple fear of not being with anyone? What's the deal?

A: Hell, you got me. People are strange. If only I knew why people did the stupid things that they do then maybe I could give them advice. Maybe I could even get paid to do it! Damn, that would be a sweet gig. Hell, maybe I could even write an advice column of some sort... Um, yeah... Fuck.

Anyway, I know what you mean. People sometimes act in ways that seem really counter-intuitive. For example, I have this friend that has been at the same crummy job for four years. She hates the work, has absolutely no potential to advance in her position, and apparently her office employs a herd of "dipshit cattle" that constantly bug her for office supplies and mindless conversation about nothing that matters. I've never been to her office, but to hear her description, it sounds like a layer of hell.

Not getting paid for my advice, I've been giving it away for free for months and telling her to quit that damn job. I mean really, quit already. What the hell? Each time my unsolicited, quality advice goes completely unused and she mentions some nonsense about needing another job first and whines about having to pay rent and other bills. Bullshit if ya ask me, but you didn't.

I mean what's the deal with that? Waiting for another opportunity to open up before moving on. Why can't she just be unemployed? Where is the logic in looking for another job before moving on? People are so strange.

Actually, now that I really think about it (thank you, ODB) that's not so strange at all. She's probably afraid of being stuck without an income, being unable to buy food or afford car payments, or ending up homeless. Plus, quitting a job without having something lined up is kinda reckless (thank you, Lil' Fish).

I guess it's really not that hard to understand why some people tend to do the same thing in their relationships. I mean hey, your boyfriend may be a thirty-something loser whose band peaked when they played your sister's Quinceañera a few years ago, but in some ways coming home to his pot-smoking, game-playing ass sitting on the couch is preferable to coming home to an empty apartment. And for some people, an opportunity needs to present himself before they'll seek change from even a bad situation.

In your question you've touched on some good points. Some times it's rooted in insecurity; some times it has to do with the fear of being alone. Unlike being homeless, which seems to be a fairly common thing to fear (except in my neighborhood), being alone may not seem that bad to everyone. Then again, neither do snakes and there are plenty of people scared shitless of snakes. Partner-jumping behavior could also be rooted in some deeply psychological unconscious dissatisfaction that some people have with themselves that drives them to continuously seek validation for their own existence from others. Then again, some times it's just a force of habit. I prefer my explanations simple.

I can tell by the tone of your question that you are probably not one of those people. Neither am I, and welcome to the club. Although serial monogamy is a term that can be used to describe how most Americans date, members of our club like a little space between serials (I like a little milk with mine) and generally don't consider every first date to be the first night of a new romance. We are a lonely, jaded group but with good benefits and the meetings are hella fun.

And since I still have some space to kill, I'd like to point out that it's my freaking birthday this month! Go me! Hells yeah, baby. And they said I'd never survive on the outside…

PS. A few short months ago the world lost a gifted scholar, a wise sage, and the best damn source of relationship advice I had ever seen. I am, of course, sarcastically speaking of the man once known as the Ol' Dirty Bastard. Always entertaining, I realized recently the ODB, via the intro of his first solo album, taught me the valuable lesson that any time you really think about something you draw the exact opposite conclusion (cool points if you know what I'm talking about). In honor of the ODB, I once had a ferret named after him but had to give it up for a move a few years ago. Now I miss them both.

PPS. Unlike the ODB, my good friend "Lil' Fish" is very much alive.

Gettin' Personal

Originally published Nov, 2004.

Q: Dude, why is your column so late this month?

A: Yeah, that question doesn't sound at all contrived does it? You're probably thinking that things are slow down in the old e-mailroom if I'm makin' up my own questions, lame as they may be. Yeah, you'd figure that. But, you'd be wrong.

Truth is, this column is late despite the fact that I have a plethora of preguntas (Jefe, would you say I have a plethora of preguntas?) just ripe for the answering. My inbox is overflowing with perfectly good questions, ranging from the mundane to the insane. But the doctor just ain't been feeling up to the challenge.

Please bear with me as I get a little out of character and get personal. The doctor has had an extremely rough month that included a move to a new city. I'm writing this on a borrowed laptop, sitting in a coffee shop in the Manayunk area of Philadelphia, my life in boxes, and wondering when I'll get a chance to move into my new apartment. Oh yeah, and dealing with the break-up of a very serious relationship. Hopefully, you can understand how I may be having trouble concentrating on your sex and relationship issues at the moment. To say that the break-up was caused by the move or vice versa would not do the situation justice, and that's a story I won't bother you with here. Suffice it to say; sometimes even advice columnists could use a little help.

And sometimes that help comes from very unlikely places.

Way back when I was just "junior college G", long before I ever dreamed I would be adding the doctoral title to my name, I was involved in another break-up with one of my first girlfriends, (blank). She was an intelligent, beautiful woman who I was thrilled to get to know. Of course, I'm talking about an ex-girlfriend, and girlfriends normally don't become exes when everything is perfect. Dating (blank) was not without its difficulty as she suffered from a condition known as vaginismus.

Vaginismus is a condition where a woman's vaginal muscles involuntarily contract in anticipation of intercourse or insertion. It can make intercourse very painful, difficult, and in (blank)'s case damn near impossible. For example, she had never been able to use a tampon, had passed out during pelvic exams, and had made it into her early twenties without successfully losing her virginity despite several attempts to do so. When we met she was still a virgin, not because of religious values, fear of STDs, or a notion of "saving herself"; her body just wouldn't let anyone in. As her partner, I remember that it felt as if there wasn't an opening there at all; just a hard, impenetrable, flat surface. And yeah, for a man destined to one day be banging out sex advice columns, that was a tough pill to swallow.

At the time, both of us were ill-equipped to deal with the situation but instinctively I developed a plan. It involved several nights of very painful "practice" as we used a lot of lube and gently forced entry. The process was torturous with even the smallest intrusion causing her extreme pain each night. We started small, with a pinky, and worked our way up to the size of small vibrator. At each step she became more and more relaxed and increasingly more comfortable until finally almost a month later, we were able to knock some long overdue boots. And (blank)'s boots were definitely made for knocking.

As successful as that was, sex was still a strain on our relationship and unfortunately (blank) entered into my list of exes that just recently became one name longer.

In the following decade, (blank) and I lost touch and I moved several times across the country in pursuit of my education and greener pastures. As I began researching sexuality in grad school, I was pleased to learn that the method we used to counter her vaginismus was actually similar to professionally recommended techniques. Still, I often thought of her and wondered how her life had turned out. I've also thought that our story would probably be beneficial out there to couples and women that are currently dealing with vaginismus; I've just never taken the opportunity to share it until now. Trust me, it can be overcome.

So why then, as I sit alone in this Philadelphia coffee shop trying to write an advice column after a recent break-up, are my thoughts drifting to an ex from my distant past? It has a lot to do with an email I received earlier today:

"Wow… you won't believe how many years I have tried and been afraid to contact you… There are so many things to say... mostly, I am writing to get in contact with you and actually thank you... thank you for what you offered my life. All of life is about the pain and the pleasure... I am just now remembering all the firsts you offered me and how my life drastically changed for the better due to you."

It was from (blank). After years of being out of touch, she had tracked me down on the web just to send me an unexpected thank you note from the past. And after the month I've had, being reminded of how I've positively influenced at least one person's life was exactly what the doctor ordered.

Of course she's happily married now and currently lives nowhere near Philadelphia. Oh well.

Next month, I swear I'll be back to the normal DrG, so send me those preguntas. Vamanos!

P.S. Ladies, after reading the above, if you are concerned about vaginismus or overcoming it, please bring it up with your gynecologist. There are also some great resources on the web. And of course as a last resort, there's always Philly…