On The Road Photo Caption Contest

I've now been on tour for 5 weeks, and it's been great. I've still got another 6 months of meandering across this great country of ours before I settle down again and I'm looking forward to every moment.

As part of the tour, I was recently in Annapolis, MD and stumbled onto Chick and Ruth's Delly, home of the 6 POUND MILKSHAKE! So of course I posed for a picture and posted it to Facebook. I challenged my friends to caption the photo and the result was the first "On The Road Photo Caption Contest". There were over 100 entries, and these are some of my favorites.

Drew Harmon offered the first comment to get the ball rolling...

Andrew Holmgren:

Ben Feldman's entry was kind of an inside joke, but if you are a Bay Area comedian that had played my Wharf Room Comedy show, you'll get this.

Chase Perdue's entry is freaking genius:

Ed Attanasio:

Miles K got my vote:

 Thomas Farley:

And the winner, by Facebook voting, was the very funny Natasha Muse!

Fresh Cut Comedy!

Hey gang, I am producing an awesome show in Pittsburgh, PA this coming Friday (Jan 13th). Check it out:

Fresh Cut Comedy is a collaboration between Comedian/Producer Dr Brian King and the Most Wanted Fine Art Gallery at 5015 Penn Ave. Already a respected venue for visual arts, this Garfield institution has been showcasing the work of local performance artists as well, and intends to bring some of the best of Pittsburgh’s stand-up comedy to the neighborhood. The show starts at 8:00pm and tickets will cost only $5.

Hosted by Dr Brian King
Originally from New York, Brian has spent his formative years living all over the US, giving him a unique perspective of the world. This included a 4-year stint in Pittsburgh, where he wrote a humorous advice column under the pseudonym “Dr G”.  Now based in San Francisco, he continues to tour all over the nation as both a comedian and public speaker. A trained psychologist, he has a comedic style that’s half professor, half idiot, and all smart-ass. He was the founder and producer of the highly-reviewed Wharf Room Comedy show in San Francisco, which recently ended its three-year run. He produces the annual Bay Area comedy competition "Walk the Plank" and can be seen on comedy stages and conference centers all over the country. He is also a frequent guest on comedy talk radio.

Featuring:
Derek Minto is stand-up comedian, improviser, and the host of 'Haters for Hire' podcast currently residing on the south side of Pittsburgh. Originally from Mars Pennsylvania, Derek began his stand up career working for while working for WDUQ. Derek currently hosts the Smiling Moose and PaPa J's comedy open mics. He has opened for Jim Brewer, Bob Levy, and was a finalists in both the Gilda's Great Comedy Search and the Fall Down Laughing comedy competition. 'Haters for Hire' is a prominent Pittsburgh podcast which features local and national comics. The podcast has been featured on WDVE, Pittsburgh Magazine, and the City Paper. Derek brings a mixture of social satire, storytelling and rage to the stage. His stage presence is regularly described as “Loud, Sweaty, and Violent”.

Eric S. Donaldson has been performing comedy in the Pittsburgh area since 2003, starting out in the Mr. Goodbird USA sketch troupe. In 2005 he began performing as the lead singer and writer of his comedy band, Eric and the Electric MP3 Player, which still performs around town. He started performing stand-up in 2008, and has performed at The Improv and headlined at the Brillobox. He currently runs an open mic at Belvedere's on Tuesday nights, and tweets hilariously under the mysterious handle of @EricJokes.

Matt Wohlfarth (www.mattwohlfarth.com) is one of Pittsburgh's funniest comedians. With over 20 years of stand-up, having performed all over the country and as an established screen & play write, Matt is able to capture audiences with his real-life experiences and showcase true comedic talent. As a comedian, Matt has performed from NY to LA with many places you've never heard of in between. He's been featured at the Funny Bone, the Improv, the Laugh Factory and many more clubs throughout the US. As a writer, Matt was involved in Yakov Smirnoff's "As Long As We Both Shall Laugh" and has jokes published in the internationally published Reader's Digest.

Ron Placone (www.ronplacone.com) is a stand-up comedian and writer. He has opened for some of the top comedians in the country as well as the Upright Citizen's Brigade, he has appeared on CNN and he tours the US regularly as well as parts of Canada. He has done everything from comedy clubs to bars to rock clubs to theaters to competitions to outdoor folk festivals, and he loves to travel. Ron hosts the audio segment, “Thoughts, Rants, and Cold Coffee,” a weekly humor segment covering current events, politics and social issues. In addition to being housed on this website the segment can also be heard in rotation on New Dissident Radio in Los Angeles, CA.

Sean Collier is the Associate Editor of Pittsburgh Magazine and the film critic for the 102.5 WDVE Morning Show. His writing has appeared in most reputable Pittsburgh outlets and a handful of finer national publications, and he has performed - in one way or another - on two continents. He's appeared at the Pittsburgh Improv with the likes of Billy Gardell and Greg Warren, and in regular spots at the Brillobox and Cabaret Theater. He also hosts ghost tours, finds excuses to cover professional wrestling events, and amuses his girlfriend (Stephanie) and dog (Bailey) when possible. He can be found on twitter @seancollierpgh.

Tom Musial (www.TomMusial.com) has been performing comedy in and around Pittsburgh for five years. He regales audiences with bizarre stories of life in modern suburbia, each adventure more absurd and ludicrous than the last. Tom has opened for nationally-touring comedians such as Jim Breuer and Eddie Ifft. He has performed at the Improv, the Funny Bone, Slapsticks Comedy Loft, and numerous bars, firehalls, coffee shops, living rooms, ice rinks, and picnic shelters across the region. Tom was a finalist in the 2010 Pittsburgh Improv "Fall Down Laughing" comedy contest and the 2006 Funny Bone "Best of the Burgh" comedy contest. His short comedy film "P.O.V." took first place in the 2004 Pittsburgh Filmmakers Film Kitchen mini-festival. Tom has been described as "Pittsburgh's least-well known comedian."

Also featuring Derrick Knopsnyder & Kyle Karmelita

DrB's Profile

Originally published October, 2006.

Q: Dear Dr. B, When I have met someone thru an online site, how come it is acceptable to email/IM back and forth all day long and possibly even talk on the phone for an hour every night until the date happens, then after the face-to-face date they revert to a "game" and wait a few days to email or phone you after the date? If he seemed as interested during the date as before the date, why can't he just keep things going the way they were with that regular kind of contact?

A: Meeting people online has become so common that it's gotten boring. It's rare to come across someone that hasn't tried it at least once. From total losers and nerds to the coolest guys and the hottest chicks, anyone that's dated in the past 5 years has probably used this outlet. In fact, even the doctor recently put a profile up on Myspace (not intended for dating, but I have been known to connect with the fans in the past). The culture of online dating has really evolved since the days of trolling psychos and chat rooms with a 500 to one male-female ratio. Online dating etiquette on the other hand, seems to be lagging behind.

Before I get to my answer, I've got a confession to make. For a doctor, I hardly ever read. Now don't get me wrong, I read your questions and look for the occasional bit of knowledge that I don't already have crammed into my skull. I'm talking about reading for recreation or entertainment; I just don't do it. As an educated person, I feel like I should read more, and I have a huge collection of books that I had every intention of reading, but when it gets down to it, I feel like doing other things with my spare time. The doctor likes to stay busy (cellphone Tetris anyone?).

I'm sure most of my audience is way more literate than I, but some of you may relate to this. Because I am not someone that reads, I am never disappointed when I see movies that have been adapted from popular books, or if I am disappointed it has nothing to do with my reading. I watched Lestat, Harry Potter, and Jason Bourne rock out in stadium seating without once thinking about what, if anything, the filmmaker cut from the stories, did wrong, or how much better the books were. I'm a blank slate movie-goer when it comes to these pictures.

Unlike me, my friend Karen is an avid reader. I've seen her walk out pissed off and disappointed by more movies than you can shake a stick at. Although I'm not certain exactly why anyone would want to shake a stick at a movie. Seems kind of fruitless to me. Although Hollywood does occasionally butcher fine works of art, I've noticed that some of her disappointment stems from the disparity between the way she imagined the characters and events of the story and the way the filmmakers chose to display them. For Karen, Tom Cruise as Lestat was unthinkable. For me he was Lestat and that shit rocked.

When we read, we imagine and I'm sure that no two people imagine the same thing in the exact same way. Meeting people online is a lot like that. The parties involved may be as honest as they can, but words like "voluptuous", "athletic", "single", or "research-psychologist" can be defined differently in our heads, even if we all point to the same entry in the dictionary. Exchanging pictures and talking on the phone a few times can help people get a better mental image of what you're all about but until you interact in person they're still largely working from imagination. Although I'd say that kind of communication is a necessary part of Internet dating, if you carry that on for too long before the face-to-face, you could end up spoiling the movie as the real you will be less likely to match the version in their head. Body language, facial expressions, and weird quirks are hard to convey over email or phone, yet this is all valuable information. When we use our imagination to fill in the blanks, we rarely imagine that the people we are hoping to meet face-to-face may eat like pigs, have no sense for sarcasm, or tell inappropriate jokes at our expense to total strangers as they step into a cab (thank you, J). I'm sure if you've had even a few online dating experiences you'll know what I'm talking about.

So one possible reason that these guys are reducing their communication down from daily IMs and email exchanges to, say, a Facebook comment every couple of weeks, is that they may not have imagined Cruise as Lestat (or Damon as Bourne, or Karen as sweetmilf36). I know it seems weird to go from heavy IMing to nada, but sometimes we get to the end of the book. And sometimes the movie doesn't do the book justice.

Of course, I have no way of explaining every instance of this behavior. I do think that some of what I've suggested is at play any time you meet someone online. But, like most things, it depends on the people involved and the situations. Another possibility is that daily communication may feel like too serious of a relationship to some of your online dates once the in-person barrier is removed. Talking everyday may seem safe with someone that you only know online, but most people reserve that level of frequency for very intimate relationships. Hell, most people don't even have that much to talk about anyway (especially those of us that never read). I know I haven't been up to much in the hour since I was last IMed.

Either way, to go from regular communication to nothing isn't a game, it's rude. It sucks, believe me I know, but I hope that this behavior doesn't discourage you from moving on and meeting someone else in life, online or not.

PS. Like I mentioned earlier, the doctor recently put up his own Facebook profile. Go ahead and add me, and if you're cool enough maybe I'll add you back.

Medical, Dental, and a Good 401(k)

Originally published August, 2006.

Q: Dr G, I need help with something. I have a guy friend who I really like. I got the nerve to tell him this a few months ago, and he said he wasn't interested in dating me. We've been hanging out a lot lately and we have really interesting conversations and have a good time together. We are both still single because we have high standards for the people we would date. The other day, we were having a really long conversation, and I asked him if I could just lean on his shoulder, and he said OK. It was so great, just that little contact. What can I say, I'm a little deprived, leading me to the point: I want to ask him to be "friends with benefits". He's never done that before, but I have. Is there any way to somehow "hint" or ask him about being FWB without ruining our friendship?

A: First, a little rhetorical bitching: Although I’ve used the phrase “friends with benefits” on occasion, I’ve never really liked it. Don’t all friends come with benefits? Like my friend Neal, who once helped fix my hard drive, or my buddy Jason, who is always down for grabbing a beer, or my friend Elise who gives great head. Okay, maybe I should rethink that.

Then again, I guess it’s better than “fuck buddies,” but yeah, whatever you label the relationship, the benefits you mention clearly have nothing to do with dental plans or stock options and probably go beyond the occasional shoulder leaning. Casual sex relationships get started in many different ways, depending a lot on the situations and people involved, so what I have to say may not help you to go about upgrading this particular friendship. However, even if I could offer guaranteed friend banging in 10 easy steps, I don’t think I’d want to.

After all, let’s not forget that sex without love is a sin and besides that, you should wait until you get married. Otherwise, we're talking free milk and to hell with buying the damn cow.

Wow, I couldn’t even type that with a straight face. Seriously though, I definitely recognize the joys of having FWBs and think no strings casual sex can be a healthy alternative to serious long-term relationship oriented dating, but not with this guy. Not now.

First reason: You like him, a lot, and have secretly crushed on him for a while. FWB is an arrangement that works because neither person wants anything more than a (mind-blowing, boot-knocking, world-rocking) friendship from the other. Oh, and maybe someone to hang out with once in a while that’s not likely to be shopping for cows anytime soon. Usually when things go sour, it’s because one friend gets more attached and starts wanting to talk about where the relationship is headed or what color wallpaper to buy for the nursery. If you’ve got a hidden agenda or any ulterior motives, don’t even think about stepping it up. Nice uniforms and store discounts don’t mean squat if you’re really looking for a good retirement plan. Remember, for a lot of people friends are the ones they hang out with when they’re not on a date. How comfortable will you be when your FWB starts meeting girls that do live up to his high standards?

Which brings me to reason two: Although you both have high standards for potential dates, he’s already told you that you don’t meet his. Dizamn! That had to hurt a little. Imagine how it would feel if you two started playing amateur gynecologist. Even if it’s true, I doubt you would want to think of yourself as someone that isn’t good enough to date, but good enough to fuck. Your self-esteem is going to skyrocket, or nose dive. I forget my metaphors.

Don’t think for a second that I’m telling you not to have sex. Have it, and have lots of it. Definitely start dating more, but if that’s not an option, consider offering a few benefits to another friend on your list; maybe that guy you have lousy conversations with (I know he’s out there) so there will be no chance of you wanting more later on. It may surprise you to learn that guys are ridiculously easy. Of course, you could ignore all of this and start getting your freak on with Mr. High Standards, and he might come around. Hell, maybe after a while he’ll even be down for some of that dating the kids are into these days. But more than likely, you’ll end up ruining your friendship and giving him some good stories for his other benefit-free friends.

Hypothetically speaking, suppose you decide that you are not into this guy anymore and still need some of that sweet, sweet loving. If you really want to get your hands on this guy’s benefit package (so what if it’s a pun, it’s a damn good one) you’ve got to do two things: First, convince him that you are truly no longer interested in dating him. I suspect that part of his reservations to being FWBs has to do with reason number one, and you’ve got to make sure that he knows if he samples the milk he isn’t going to be asked to buy a damn cow. Do this subtly: step back from the friendship a notch and try to create some real emotional distance. Be more like his other friends (you know, the ones that don’t want to bang him) so that he sees you as such. Also, try to avoid any mention of how you are over him so it’s okay to screw around. Second, get him to sex you up. Friends that fuck usually start doing so naturally, like after a platonic weeknight dinner or a movie; in other words, a date-like situation without any obvious romantic undertones. Invite him over afterward just to hang, watch a DVD, or any other lame non-sexual activity you can think of and let it go from there. If you do end up hitting it, remember that you don’t want him thinking he’s just made a bovine down payment, so be cool for a few days. Make sure you act as if nothing has changed in your relationship, like, you know, you’re still just friends. If this works, then awesome: good benefits are hard to come by. If it doesn’t work, well you should have stopped reading a paragraph ago.

Talk is Cheap

Originally published July, 2006.

Q: Do most men really like it when a girl talks dirty during sex? I like dirty-talk, but sometimes my (ex) boyfriend wouldn't say anything. He just kept pounding away harder and harder.

A: So it's been almost a year and a half since the doctor wrote his last column, and although I really want to get to your question, I must admit that I'm having a hard time concentrating. In fact, I've attempted to write an answer several times in the past couple of months. I pulled your question out of my backlog thinking it would be an easy one, which it definitely is. If only I could overcome this damn writer's block.

Your question is so painfully easy to answer that I can't seem to focus on it long enough to carpal-tunnel out my reply. I keep thinking that before I do, I should first write some sort of explanation as to why I haven't written in a while but I know you don't care about any of that. Hell, you probably aren't even going to read my answer so what's it to you? Nothing, that's what. That's too bad cuz it would make one fucking badass column, maybe a screenplay even. Seriously. It's your loss you don't want to read it.

Another thing that keeps interrupting my answering is the fact that this column better be damn good. When you make a comeback, you gotta return stronger than you went out. Otherwise the audience will think that you've lost it. Like when Family Guy returned to TV last year, I feel like this column needs to kick some major ass. That's a lot of pressure for a doc; at least MacFarlane has help.

And unless something changes between now and when I get this uploaded, this is the first column written for that Internet thing I keep hearing so much about. It's exclusively digital content, no paper distribution, no deadlines, and no pictures of Dr G's face on corner newsstands throughout the city. This is one hundred percent intended for pixels only and a new medium equals a new audience.

I also keep thinking about how to approach my answer. See, I try to offer good advice sprinkled with a healthy dose of smarcasm (go ahead, add that one to your vocabulary) and the painfully easy answer ain't exactly inspiring much at the moment. The obvious thing would be to give you a verbal spanking of dirty talk, cuz I know you like it like that, don't you? I could be wildly thrusting each sentence into these paragraphs like an out of control beat poet. You know you shouldn't, but you can't help but to keep reading the forbidden prose, sentence after sensual sentence. It feels so good as my words penetrate your inner voice faster and harder, some you've never heard of and some too difficult to pronounce. Nasty little reader. Too bad I try not to do the obvious thing.

Clearly I've been having a hard time concentrating on your question, but if I stopped to focus on my answer for even a sentence, this column would be over in a heartbeat and having something end too soon can be a major disappointment. I didn't want to shoot my load right away; I had a lot of white pixels to burn. Oh god, just talking about it makes it impossible to hold back much longer. Too much pressure... Ready or not, here it comes...

A lot of men try to distract themselves during sex to sustain the erection needed to keep "pounding away harder and harder." Some do this by thinking about anything but sex and that gets in the way of their ability to talk dirty to you. And a lot like this answer, the moment they start focusing on the task at hand it's all over.

But don't let that inhibit your skanky trash mouth. A lot of men, even the ones that are secretly paying more attention to the stupid 80s song stuck in their head than to how good your thighs feel, get real turned on by it. And if you find yourself with another hard-pounding mute, maybe you can convince him to be more expressive during the foreplay...

PS. Lame or not, it's good to be back. Now, let's get them questions a-coming.

Drinking Free

Originally published Feb, 2005.

Q: I've been told I don't flirt enough. I am curious to know how does a straight woman flirt with men? And I don't mean the philosophy behind flirting but I want you to notice on your morning commute, while out at night, co-worker flirtation at the copier, etc. what works to get noticed and a guy's attention...aside from her bra size and ass that is.

A: Who is telling you that you don't flirt enough? Your girl friends or the guys around you trying to get your attention.

Oh, I guess you can't really answer me. I understand… shh.

I'm going to assume it's your girl friends. Most guys don't want you flirting unless it's with them or you are supporting them with your job at Hooters. In that case, flirt all you want baby, cuz the cable bill is way overdue.

So how do you do it? Well as a guy, I've been flirted with in all kinds of ways and I guess I can give you a few pointers. First if you are braless (a good flirter is always braless) and wearing a white t-shirt, try pouring a pitcher of water across your chest. That's always a definite attention grabber. Also, if you happen to be standing next to a pole, try holding onto it with your legs and swinging from it. Trust me; it's a guaranteed crowd pleaser. For more intimate flirting, there is a technique known as the table dance.

Okay that is all horrible advice and I apologize. Actually, it's been my experience that straight women flirt with men by writing them emails seeking their advice so for the real deal this month I decided to email a few of my female friends for their expert opinions. Here's a sample of what I got:

"laughing/giggling/touching/eye contact" (I'm assuming that these are distinct. Please don't poke out a dude's eyes while laughing and think that you are being flirtatious.)

"You can flirt with your eyes, your body language - lots of touching of body parts (hand, shoulder, neck, etc.) A flip of the hair, if you can manage it is also a good thing..."

"What has worked for me is being able to make dudes laugh. You bust a few balls, make a few subtle innuendos. Timing and certain looks do well also."

"I find being funny always helps. And sarcasm seems to go pretty far these days. And being interested and aloof all at the same time. Flirting is an art form."

"The biggest key factor of flirting is eye contact, at least that's how I play it. You seem more engaged in the conversation, shows you have confidence and I like to touch a guy's elbow when I flirt, kind of catch their attention. I didn't know people were awkward about it until my friend bitched about my flirting last night and said she can't do it."

"Call him by name, compliment him. Look him in the eye when you speak. Ask him for help with something such as fixing a car or assembling furniture (makes him feel macho), and glance at his mouth when you want to be kissed."

Okay, so there you have it. To sum up the women: you should be funny, make eye contact, touch us as you are talking, and flip your hair. In short, just be more outgoing. Let me also add that laughing at our jokes, no matter how bad they are, goes a long way, as does feigning interest in whatever garbage we seem to be talking about ("ooooh, you write for an independent magazine, that is sooo interesting!"). Trust me, it'll get your bar tab paid.

Oh and one word of warning to the novice flirter: practice in safe environments with people that you are already familiar with. Don't start making jokes and touching every potential stalker you see on the bus. Ease into it, and you'll be swinging from stripper poles in no time. Which brings up another good point:

Q: What is your take on flirting? How far is too far... Is it off limits to flirt with others outside of your relationship when you are dating someone steadily or married? It's something that I love to do and don't due much to the fear of leading someone on and getting myself in a dangerous situation.

A: Well, I know I wasn't supposed to go into the "philosophy behind flirting" but here's the deal: Flirting is a nonverbal means to express interest, specifically sexual interest. So, if you find yourself at the point in your flirting where you are giving your partner a "reach-around", that may be too far. Or at least the flirting portion of the evening may be over.

Is sex with others outside of your relationship off limits? If not, then I can't see any amount being too far. But, if you just want to flirt for the sake of flirting, that's cool too. Just please bear in mind that may not be the signal you're sending the world. I'd say the limits to your flirting should be a function of your intentions and the other person's expectations. Those expectations are hard to know when you meet someone new, so if you have limitations I'd get them out in the open pretty damn early. Drop hints about the existence of your boyfriend, husband, or dominatrix between giggles and touches so that at least people know where you stand.

Even then, I'm sure you'll get your drinks for free.

Advice for Short Attention Spans

Originally published Jan, 2005.

Q: I'm gay and my parents don't know that I am...last weekend they caught me in bed with my partner. What should I do?

A: Well, to start with I think that you should consider yourself lucky that you successfully avoided an awkward "coming out" conversation; we all know how uncomfortable those can be. Plus, you can rest assured that when you do have a talk with them about your sexual orientation, they are very likely to believe you. Nothing is worse than stubborn disbelieving parents that demand proof.

Also, try buying them a kitten.

Q: Are lesbians more on the prowl than straight men?

A: You may recall that, like most straight men, the Doctor gets overcome with warm fuzzies just thinking about lesbians… Much like kittens, Tarantino movies, and freshly made mojitos, they make the world a better place. As I've previously discussed, lesbians have a firm position in the male fantasy world that isn't likely to give way anytime soon (like, what else are we going to think about?).

In those fantasies we'd love nothing more than to imagine that, not only are these ladies hot for each other, they have nearly insatiable sexual appetites and are always looking to jump in the sack with another fresh co-ed whenever the "Thong Song" comes on the radio (and it's always playing somewhere). However, even though some lesbian libidos can be damn strong, straight men really corner the market on this one. Men think about, want, and seek sex way more than women, including gay women. Hands down, we win. Now give us some sex.

Q: Dr. G, I'm involved in a long-distance relationship. My communication needs aren't being met, not to mention the absolute lack of physical intimacy. What are some ways to communicate this to my man without him feeling threatened or persecuted? Or should I just walk away from this seeming exercise in futility?

A: Like a lot of the questions I received this month, this one lends itself well to a short, but thought-provoking answer:

Rosebud.

Actually, you're really asking several questions aren't you? Long distance relationships are a bitch. To avoid falling into such situations, I've developed the habit of creating boundary rules for dating in each of the cities I've lived in. For example, in NYC, I had a "same borough" requirement; in Pittsburgh, I adhered to a very strict "no tunnels" policy; and in New Orleans the rule was "anything but Mississippi."

But maybe I'm an asshole and the girl of my dreams might live just outside my current dating borders… hmmm… anyway, back to you.

Although long distance relationships do indeed suck very hard, they don't have to. They can be fulfilling and are sometimes logistically necessary for dual-career couples or polygamists trying not to get caught. Regardless of the circumstances, the success of these arrangements depends entirely on the individuals involved. Relationships are meant to satisfy our needs. Failing to do that, any relationship despite the mileage isn't going to work out.

Your situation does sound like an "exercise in futility," especially if your needs aren't being met (there is no little blue pill for phone sex). If you haven't yet walked away, I'd recommend taking a good look at what you need and discuss this with your partner. Explore what both of your goals are and what either of you is willing to do to obtain those goals. Be straightforward though, honesty and openness hardly ever come across as threatening or persecution. That is, unless you are telling someone that they give lousy phone sex, that's a bit hard to hear.

Trust me; you don't want to end up like this:

Q: Why can't I find me a man?? I think I am pretty fuckin top of the line cool, yet I am already 24 and not married yet. The best years of my thighs are OVER. No one will love me. HELPPPPPP

A: Yeah, you're right. Honestly, sometimes the truth hurts. On a positive note though, I've heard that kittens will love you unconditionally and you should have no problem finding a few for free… Keep 'em well fed and they should provide you with company for years until the social worker arrives.

P.S. When in doubt, get a kitten.