Toothless Justice
On Tuesday
April 16, 1993 I had to appear in court. No big deal, I thought,
I've been to hearings before. However, this was to be one of the most bizarre
mornings of my life and it went a little like this:
First of all, the court was in some tiny spot on the map
between Houston and Austin, and I had to be there at 9:00 am . I am never anywhere at 9:00 am , so this was going to pose a
problem. It was a hearing about a speeding ticket that I had pleaded not guilty
to. I had gotten the ticket on my birthday, January 2, coming back from a disastrous
day of being lost for four hours among Houston 's
highways but that's another story. Anyway, my offense was going too fast,
obviously not fast enough because I still got caught. I was going 97 mph in my
friend's car. We had just gotten pulled over 10 minutes before for his third
ticket of the day and decided to switch off for the next one (sort of a
lets-take-turns-getting-busted game). I remember my arresting officer very
well, he had a great sense of humor and laughed out loud when he saw our three
previous tickets on display on the dash board. He said something like
"damn boy it's only been 10 minutes since your last ticket, and only 5
minutes between these two!" I said, "No sir, those are his tickets,
we are taking turns." I realized that there was no way I could hope to explain
going 97 mph in a 55 mph zone at 2:00 am on a foggy night, so I just took the ticket
and said thanks. I threw it on the dash with the others and asked my friend if
it was a local cop or a state one. It was state, and I knew I'd actually have
to take care of this one. (There are, no doubt, warrants for our arrest over
the other three tickets but we'll never go back to Houston )
Anyway, I had to be at some small town courthouse at 9:00 am . I figured that if I woke up
at 7:00 and left Austin at 8:00 I could do it, if I speeded. I
only scheduled this thing because I had heard that a lot of the time at
hearings like these, the witness against you doesn't show up (cops must live such
busy lives) and you can get off. This is what I was hoping for. I drove down
the highway from Austin
and thought about how ridiculous this whole thing was. Why didn't I just buy
that radar detector I was going to get? It would have undoubtedly been a hell
of a lot cheaper for me than this. I could barely afford the gas for the trip
down there. I found the town with no problem at 8:50 am . Now all I had to do was find the court. I decided
not to waste my precious remaining minutes by driving around the country and
getting lost in a field somewhere, so I stopped at a gas station to ask for
directions.
A toothless old man walked up to my car. When I say he was
toothless, I'm really just exaggerating as I tend to do. He had teeth, three of
them as a matter of fact, it's just that they must have been pretty useless to
him with one being in the upper right corner and the other two in the lower
left. I couldn't understand a word he said. Maybe he was drunk. Maybe he was
stupid. Maybe he was just toothless, I don't know but he did look at me like I
was an alien with a third eye or long green tentacles or something. At least he
could lift his arms, I'll give him credit for that. He did manage to make some
sort of motioning gesture as he was grunting and I figured that was about the best
I'd get from " ' him, so I took it and followed the street he waved at.
Four blocks down I found a building with a cop car in front
of it. This couldn't have been it. I've been inside bigger Taco Bells. I mean
this place couldn't possibly be a courthouse. I kept driving and realized that
there was absolutely nothing else down the street so I decided to check it out.
I walked in at 8:59 and was
told that the judge was busy so I should wait in her office for my turn. She
would come out and get me when she was ready. Right here I feel I need to give
a little description of this place. It was like something right out of a movie
like “Deliverance” (actually I've never seen “Deliverance”, but I hear it's
pretty good). The place was so Andy Griffith-ish, it looked like the whole town
was built for a Twilight Zone episode, I mean how could people live in a place
like that? Did they even have running water? It was just so damn weird. Being a
former New Yorker, I think my opinion of the place may be a little culturally
biased, but there was this other guy waiting for the judge too. He looked
pretty consistent with the local ambiance, cowboy hat, missing teeth, limited
gene pool, and bright red arms and he started a conversation with me with the
opening "damn, now this is a hick town!" It was so surreal, so
Beverly Hillbilly-esque, so backwoods I couldn't believe it.
I think I waited for at least 45 minutes for that judge.
During this time "Bubba" and I talked. I'm not kidding here, he told
me his name was Bubba with a straight face. Bubba was there for the same reason
I was and we were both hoping to get off on the technicality. As we were
waiting, we saw a cop enter the building and go into the courtroom. I heard him
speak, recognized his voice, an immediately realized that I had wasted my time.
This was my cop. (I didn't tell Bubba this, I would've hated for him to get off
and me not to). Suddenly the judge came and got me. I can't believe it! She
wasn't busy, she was just making me wait until the cop got there! What about my
technicality, I was there on time! It's just another way to keep liberal white
guys down.
My hearing was quick, I changed my plea to guilty because of
the cop showing up and then told them that I was not financially able to pay my
fines. Another hearing was going to be scheduled to determine if I was indeed
as broke as I said I was. I thought damn, I'll have to come back here, when the
judge turned to the prosecutor and asked him if he could do it then.
The prosecutor asked me a bunch of questions about my
income, my bills, my tuition and such. After declaring me broke, he suggested
that I perform community service instead of pay a fine. This meant that I'd
have to make several trips back to this crummy town and service its toothless
community. I would have been okay with the idea if it was my own city, but
really I didn't want to do work for this town. Besides it was such a small town
what kind of work could I really do? I only saw maybe four pieces of litter on
the street coming in. After picking that up, then what? Odd jobs for the state?
Washing the police car? Picking up lunch for everyone in the office (probably
no more than five people)? Or even babysitting the judge's kids? I just
couldn't see it. Finally the judge put me on a payment plan to last the rest of
my life and sent me on my way. I passed Bubba as I left and told him that I got
off. "wasn't my cop," I added, "good luck".
I ran outside to my car, tore off my tie, changed my shirt,
and got out of that place as fast as I could. I couldn't believe my morning and
couldn't wait to get back to Austin .
I was doing 93 when I got pulled over again.
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