Friday, December 23, 2011

Advice for Short Attention Spans

Originally published Jan, 2005.

Q: I'm gay and my parents don't know that I am...last weekend they caught me in bed with my partner. What should I do?

A: Well, to start with I think that you should consider yourself lucky that you successfully avoided an awkward "coming out" conversation; we all know how uncomfortable those can be. Plus, you can rest assured that when you do have a talk with them about your sexual orientation, they are very likely to believe you. Nothing is worse than stubborn disbelieving parents that demand proof.

Also, try buying them a kitten.

Q: Are lesbians more on the prowl than straight men?

A: You may recall that, like most straight men, the Doctor gets overcome with warm fuzzies just thinking about lesbians… Much like kittens, Tarantino movies, and freshly made mojitos, they make the world a better place. As I've previously discussed, lesbians have a firm position in the male fantasy world that isn't likely to give way anytime soon (like, what else are we going to think about?).

In those fantasies we'd love nothing more than to imagine that, not only are these ladies hot for each other, they have nearly insatiable sexual appetites and are always looking to jump in the sack with another fresh co-ed whenever the "Thong Song" comes on the radio (and it's always playing somewhere). However, even though some lesbian libidos can be damn strong, straight men really corner the market on this one. Men think about, want, and seek sex way more than women, including gay women. Hands down, we win. Now give us some sex.

Q: Dr. G, I'm involved in a long-distance relationship. My communication needs aren't being met, not to mention the absolute lack of physical intimacy. What are some ways to communicate this to my man without him feeling threatened or persecuted? Or should I just walk away from this seeming exercise in futility?

A: Like a lot of the questions I received this month, this one lends itself well to a short, but thought-provoking answer:

Rosebud.

Actually, you're really asking several questions aren't you? Long distance relationships are a bitch. To avoid falling into such situations, I've developed the habit of creating boundary rules for dating in each of the cities I've lived in. For example, in NYC, I had a "same borough" requirement; in Pittsburgh, I adhered to a very strict "no tunnels" policy; and in New Orleans the rule was "anything but Mississippi."

But maybe I'm an asshole and the girl of my dreams might live just outside my current dating borders… hmmm… anyway, back to you.

Although long distance relationships do indeed suck very hard, they don't have to. They can be fulfilling and are sometimes logistically necessary for dual-career couples or polygamists trying not to get caught. Regardless of the circumstances, the success of these arrangements depends entirely on the individuals involved. Relationships are meant to satisfy our needs. Failing to do that, any relationship despite the mileage isn't going to work out.

Your situation does sound like an "exercise in futility," especially if your needs aren't being met (there is no little blue pill for phone sex). If you haven't yet walked away, I'd recommend taking a good look at what you need and discuss this with your partner. Explore what both of your goals are and what either of you is willing to do to obtain those goals. Be straightforward though, honesty and openness hardly ever come across as threatening or persecution. That is, unless you are telling someone that they give lousy phone sex, that's a bit hard to hear.

Trust me; you don't want to end up like this:

Q: Why can't I find me a man?? I think I am pretty fuckin top of the line cool, yet I am already 24 and not married yet. The best years of my thighs are OVER. No one will love me. HELPPPPPP

A: Yeah, you're right. Honestly, sometimes the truth hurts. On a positive note though, I've heard that kittens will love you unconditionally and you should have no problem finding a few for free… Keep 'em well fed and they should provide you with company for years until the social worker arrives.

P.S. When in doubt, get a kitten.