Revenge

Originally published June, 2003.

Q: What's the best way to get revenge on a cheating boyfriend?

A: I love questions like this. Short and to the point, obviously submitted by someone with a working attention span. Keep them coming!

Of course, it's a tough one to answer. First, I'm not a big fan of revenge, at least not for infidelity. If someone violates your trust in a relationship, especially one that you may not have much invested in, I say walk away. Game over, period. Get the hell out of there. To stay involved with someone that has cheated on you just introduces elements of distrust and insecurity into your interactions that will taint your relationship for years. You'll always be suspicious of his behavior whenever you aren't involved in his activities, and, if you are sexually active, it'll interfere with your sex-life. Questions like "Why'd he do it?" "What's wrong with me?" and "What's keeping him from doing it again?" will continuously haunt you. Anger and other negative emotions will take away from your own quality of life, and no one needs that headache, especially in summer. Instead of plotting revenge, I'd recommend that you keep your dignity, walk away, and get over him so that you can enjoy the rest of your life without him.

Sorry to disappoint, but I would never suggest getting your revenge by cheating on him in return. I especially would not recommend that you try seducing one or two of his close friends, roommates, or maybe even an advice columnist one night while he's at work. I surely would never tell you to do things with them that you were never willing to do with your boyfriend such as experimental positions or three-ways. Imagine how your boyfriend would feel if you never had anal sex with him but ran off and did it with some other guy. Man, would that suck for your boyfriend and I would never recommend doing something like that.

If I were to recommend some form of revenge, I would probably suggest that you make the punishment fit the crime. The "eye for an eye" philosophy at least seems somewhat just. I definitely would also suggest that you try to avoid any criminal behavior. His car didn't do anything to you, so leave it alone. Of course, as I've already said I don't support taking a revengeful action. This is all purely hypothetical.

Finally, I have my own personal motto regarding revengeful situations:

"I don't get mad, I get single."

Feel free to quote me.