Saturday, December 10, 2011

Young 'n' Tight

Originally published March, 2003

Q: Why don't men dye their goatees? Or any gray hair for that matter? They expect women to look tight... What are they doing to make sure they look young 'n' tight? And why don't more men care about looking young 'n' tight.

A: Okay, seriously. What the hell are you talking about? Tight pants? Tight asses? Tighty-whities?

Let me take a tight crack at what I think you mean: Straight men do not seem to put forth the same effort to make themselves physically attractive to straight women as straight women do to attract straight men. If anyone disagrees with this statement, then please go to the nearest nightclub and take a good solid look around. You will no doubt see very hot girls, fully made up with perfect hair, wearing the latest fashions and attracting lots and lots of attention from both men and women alike.

If you can peal your eyes away from those hotties for a second then you will also notice a collection of gimpy-looking pot-bellied guys who think that any combination of a button-down shirt tucked into a pair of faded jeans looks good with the same belt and shoes that they always wear (I recently saw this guy at a martini bar that completed the look by rolling up the sleeves on his short-sleeved pin-striped shirt - what a stud!). Or you'll see the somehow more stylish fashion t-shirt and baggy jeans look coupled with a hair style that is ready straight out of the shower. In general, men just don't put forth the same effort. Guys seem to think that damn near anything that is under ten years old is still in fashion, and unfortunately they are generally right. Sure, you may see an occasional well-dressed and well-groomed straight man, but they are the exceptions not the rule. So why do guys feel comfortable going out looking so bad? Because you girls don't care! It is 100% your fault that we don't care about looking "young n' tight". Hell, if I can get laid with some gray in my goatee then why the fuck should I dye it? That's just nonsense.

This points to a larger issue, that I won't go into great detail with now, that anyone familiar with modern psychological theory or just some basic observational sense will recognize: the standards we hold men and women to are very different. Us straight men like our women "young n' tight" while you straight women seem not to mind a little gray in the goatee as long as we have other qualities you are looking for. More on this topic in later columns, I'm sure, but in the mean time I'm taking my half-gray goatee wearing self out to a martini bar to scam on some hotties.