Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Did Somebody Say LESBIAN?

Originally published July, 2004. 

Q: In talking to a friend of mine, she told me that it is common for lesbians to have one-sided sex, meaning, they take on the role of "top" and "bottom." Do you think this true for most lesbian couples?

A: I have to be honest: I totally stopped reading your question after I hit the word "lesbian." Once I came across that word my head was suddenly filled with images of cute sorority girls in various stages of undress having pillow fights and doing all sorts of sordid things to each other. Most guys, even advice columnists, cannot seem to resist the lure of the lesbian myth. A fact that Howard Stern, Tatu, and the producers of "Girls Gone Wild" have used to their advantage.

I'm often asked why men are so fascinated with the idea of sex between women, and since I can't seem to think about anything else at the moment, I'll use this space to finally draft an answer. First, men are overwhelmingly more sexually driven than women. This has been shown over and over in research and a quick glance around at the world we live in should be enough to convince even the most diehard skeptic. We simply think about it and want it more. WAY more. We think about sex all the time. Hell, I'm struggling to write this column because my thoughts keep drifting.

Men are also more visually oriented than women. That, plus our ever-present thoughts of sex, equals a virtually insatiable demand for erotic imagery. Straight or gay, men are the major consumers of pornography, strip clubs, and, I suspect, the Victoria's Secret catalogue. Within all that demand for images, there are unlimited niches including: thin girls, big girls, tall girls, short girls, girls jumping on trampolines, girls standing next to cars, and girls eating bananas. Which brings me to the obvious conclusion that if us (straight) guys like looking at images of girls so much, then I'm guessing it's fairly logical to think that we'd like looking at images of multiple girls. Together. Oh man. That is so cool.

Plus, there is always a chance that the "lesbians" aren't lesbians at all, but simply a pair of bi-curious cuties that would eagerly welcome us men into their boot knocking. Threesomes are as common a male fantasy as watching two women, probably for the same reasons. However, to know for sure, I'll need to conduct a bit more research… Now that I've explained myself (in print anyway), perhaps my own girlfriend will be more open (if she doesn't break up with me first; good thing I write under an alias).

Okay, unrelated digression aside, I can now get to your question of whether most lesbians assume "top" or "bottom" roles in sex. Again, I need to be honest: I was just stalling earlier because I really don't know what you are talking about. I've heard those terms used in the context of gay male relations, referring to whether a person thinks it's better to give or receive, but never among lesbians. Truth is, I fell short on this one.

You asked if this is true for most lesbian couples, and my gut reaction is no, only because of your use of the word "most." However, being ignorant in this matter, I present the issue to my lesbian readers. Are these roles as common as Q's friend suggests? Please send your comments to the address below.

One thing I do know is that many women find pleasing a partner more satisfying than their own physical sensations, and in many relationships, one person can dominate the other. But, does this turn lesbians into tops or bottoms? I don't know. It's nice to imagine lesbian couples as consisting of two nubile young ladies engaging in some equal-opportunity mouse-clicking, but I'm sure there are plenty of selfish dykes out there that just want to get theirs, roll over, and fall asleep; just like us breeders.

P.S. Above, I made reference to the lure of the lesbian MYTH. When straight men imagine lesbians, much like the sorority girls I was daydreaming of just a few short paragraphs ago, we don't really imagine lesbians. What we usually picture can be described as a cross between Hollywood, porno, and attention-getting nightclub antics that are far removed from reality. I know many lesbians and all are good, beautiful women that would never entertain the idea of sharing their relationship with a man, no matter how hard he begged. Or maybe it's just me.