Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Talk is Cheap

Originally published July, 2006.

Q: Do most men really like it when a girl talks dirty during sex? I like dirty-talk, but sometimes my (ex) boyfriend wouldn't say anything. He just kept pounding away harder and harder.

A: So it's been almost a year and a half since the doctor wrote his last column, and although I really want to get to your question, I must admit that I'm having a hard time concentrating. In fact, I've attempted to write an answer several times in the past couple of months. I pulled your question out of my backlog thinking it would be an easy one, which it definitely is. If only I could overcome this damn writer's block.

Your question is so painfully easy to answer that I can't seem to focus on it long enough to carpal-tunnel out my reply. I keep thinking that before I do, I should first write some sort of explanation as to why I haven't written in a while but I know you don't care about any of that. Hell, you probably aren't even going to read my answer so what's it to you? Nothing, that's what. That's too bad cuz it would make one fucking badass column, maybe a screenplay even. Seriously. It's your loss you don't want to read it.

Another thing that keeps interrupting my answering is the fact that this column better be damn good. When you make a comeback, you gotta return stronger than you went out. Otherwise the audience will think that you've lost it. Like when Family Guy returned to TV last year, I feel like this column needs to kick some major ass. That's a lot of pressure for a doc; at least MacFarlane has help.

And unless something changes between now and when I get this uploaded, this is the first column written for that Internet thing I keep hearing so much about. It's exclusively digital content, no paper distribution, no deadlines, and no pictures of Dr G's face on corner newsstands throughout the city. This is one hundred percent intended for pixels only and a new medium equals a new audience.

I also keep thinking about how to approach my answer. See, I try to offer good advice sprinkled with a healthy dose of smarcasm (go ahead, add that one to your vocabulary) and the painfully easy answer ain't exactly inspiring much at the moment. The obvious thing would be to give you a verbal spanking of dirty talk, cuz I know you like it like that, don't you? I could be wildly thrusting each sentence into these paragraphs like an out of control beat poet. You know you shouldn't, but you can't help but to keep reading the forbidden prose, sentence after sensual sentence. It feels so good as my words penetrate your inner voice faster and harder, some you've never heard of and some too difficult to pronounce. Nasty little reader. Too bad I try not to do the obvious thing.

Clearly I've been having a hard time concentrating on your question, but if I stopped to focus on my answer for even a sentence, this column would be over in a heartbeat and having something end too soon can be a major disappointment. I didn't want to shoot my load right away; I had a lot of white pixels to burn. Oh god, just talking about it makes it impossible to hold back much longer. Too much pressure... Ready or not, here it comes...

A lot of men try to distract themselves during sex to sustain the erection needed to keep "pounding away harder and harder." Some do this by thinking about anything but sex and that gets in the way of their ability to talk dirty to you. And a lot like this answer, the moment they start focusing on the task at hand it's all over.

But don't let that inhibit your skanky trash mouth. A lot of men, even the ones that are secretly paying more attention to the stupid 80s song stuck in their head than to how good your thighs feel, get real turned on by it. And if you find yourself with another hard-pounding mute, maybe you can convince him to be more expressive during the foreplay...

PS. Lame or not, it's good to be back. Now, let's get them questions a-coming.