Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Backdoors

Originally published Oct, 2004.

Q: My husband wants some backdoor action (and I don't mean the usual doggy-style), but I'm just not that kind of girl. However, I am intrigued that he would want to do this because he is such a hygiene freak. Still, he is rather large and I am terrified of the pain that I expect to occur if I agree to do this. What should I expect? Is there a way to do this without excessive pain? Just how "dirty" is it if we take precautions?

A: I think your husband should get in touch with this person:
Q: How do I discuss my desire for anal stimulation with my husband of 15 years? And why am I embarrassed to mention it?
A: Okay, I'll admit that my answer to the first question was cheap and that I'm above such pain-in-the-ass antics. Well, maybe not. But shit, let me take a crack at banging out a proper top-level answer. Butt.

I should preface my answer with the following disclaimer: I am a straight male, and as a life-long straight male I have never been on the receiving end of such an act, so I can't speak to the pain or pleasurable aspects of it. I can say that most women and gay men that I've spoken with on the subject do report that it can be quite painful but does have its rewards. As one woman put it "there's a whole other world in your ass."

However, despite my lack of qualifications on the subject of gift receiving, I suspect that both of your husbands are straight males as well, and that puts me in a pretty good position to answer you (the advanced degree helps a little).

Regarding Q's backdoor wanting husband: for most hetero men, anal sex is about as kinky as they can imagine getting (among gays I suspect it's the least). Men are relatively easy to please sexually and most never develop a taste for much more than good old-fashioned guy-on-girl humping. However, even for diehard fans of vanilla, the missionary position can get a bit redundant and a little change is necessary. For the husband who's tried every position in the Kama Sutra, whips and chains can seem a bit drastic but anal, with all of its associated taboos, can be the final frontier. Hell, if you listened to Howard Stern any morning and you'd get the impression that the butt is the holy grail of sex for straight men. And you'd be right.

This brings me to Q's husband of 15 years. Anal sex is a very common male fantasy and desire, and it is likely that your husband already thinks about doing a bit of spelunking from time to time. If neither of you has approached the topic in 15 years of marriage, my advice is to test the waters with him and see if it's something he thinks about or would consider. Try having this conversation in a non-sexual context, as it's not really something you can just roll over for after a bit of pillow talk (more on that in a minute). If he is down, then you'll soon be off exploring whole other worlds together, and if he's not, perhaps he'll be willing to give it a shot for your sake.

Now to both of you: Yes, you can expect pain at first. For the uninitiated, it can be a difficult and awkward experience. Think about how clumsy your first experience with vaginal intercourse was and remember, that's supposed to be the easy way. After you have your discussions with your respective partners and you are ready to be "that kind of girl" I recommend that you take a trip downtown to your local adult bookstore and enter in the back (I just couldn't resist that one). Read up on the topic, look at pictures, consider picking up one of the many commercially available devices designed for anal insertion (i.e. butt plugs), and buy some good water-based lube; you'll need it. Then, go back to the bedroom and practice. Start small, preferably with a finger, and move to bigger and better things when you are comfortable. Take it slow, use lots of lubrication, stay clean, and remember to communicate with your partners. From what I understand, as a life-long straight male, don't expect much more than a happy husband from your first time. But if you stick with it and develop a taste for taboo, you may be pleasantly surprised.

Or hell, just swap husbands with each other.
P.S. I recommended using a water-based lube because oil-based lubricants can damage latex condoms. Anal sex is risky business, and even if you've been married for 15 years you should consider using condoms. If you are concerned about possible health risks, please consult a physician.